


Love Me Bitter, Love Me Sweet

by spiderlillium



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Chat Logs, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Jaehee Kang/Main Character - One-sided, Jumin Han/Main Character - One-sided, Kind of? but not really lol, Post-707 route, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unrequited Love, Yoosung Kim/Main Character - One-sided, Zen | Hyun Ryu/Main Character - One-sided, the violence is very very brief but I've put up the warning just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 22:31:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8345254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderlillium/pseuds/spiderlillium
Summary: Saeran tries to live a new life with his brother.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The format of the chat log in here only works in desktops. Sorry about that. OTL

 

It was so _ordinary_ , this new life of his. Saeran could remember the precise moment the thought sunk into him – three months ago, when he was having breakfast with his brother.  
  
They had toast and eggs and bacon – all of which were a little burned, but then again, Saeyoung never was the type of guy who cooked meals at home, and the bin full of junk food bags and soft drink cans attest to that.  
  
But it was a start. Saeyoung tries, for him. His twin keeps their refrigerator stocked, keeps the laundry clean, keeps the house sparkling, keeps _him._ It's quite an effort maintaining it, this domesticity they have, but Saeran supposes that's just what is normal. Ordinary.  
  
Friends is another ordinary thing – and Saeyoung has them, a handful. Half a year passes before Saeran lets his brother sign him in that messenger so he could talk to them, to have a bit of added company. Everybody welcomes him, but instead of feeling warm, he just feels alienated. This was not for him. But he tries, for Saeyoung.  
  
He gets to know Yoosung first. His cheerfulness shocked him the first time, but now all Saeran feels is envy. It must be so nice to be that happy and positive.  
  
“Why aren't you sleeping yet?” It is past two in the morning, and Saeyoung's hair is messier than a bird's nest. “What are you doing?” Bleary eyes peer at him through the dim, and for a second, his hearts skips a beat in dread.  
  
“Nothing,” He turns back to the computer, hands turning cold. This is not a betrayal _again_ – it's just a game, just a silly game... “I'm – I'm not doing anything illegal.”  
  
Saeyoung pauses for a moment. “I never said you were.”  
  
He made his way toward him, barefoot and quick. Saeran felt his face burn, but it's a relief that his brother does not suspect him, does not doubt him. He doesn't know what he'll do if Saeyoung thinks of him otherwise.  
  
“I'm just worried about you,” He said, bending down a bit to wrap his arms around Saeran's shoulders, face nuzzling against his brother's neck, “It's so late...”  
  
“I know,” Saeran allows himself to bask at the intimacy, just for a bit. “But I was playing a game.”  
  
Saeyoung lifted his head to look at the screen.  
  
“Is that LOLOL?”  
  
Saeran reached for the mouse, clicking the chatbox so he could type. “I'm already third in the global ranking.”  
  
( _Sorry, I have to go. Talk to you later Yoosung)  
  
_ “When did you start playing?” Saeyoung squinted at the screen, the monitor glare reflecting on his glasses.  
  
“Dunno,” Saeran shrugged, remembering Yoosung's excited voice when he called earlier that day, “Last week, I think.”  
  
“I can't let you turn into an LOLOL zombie. Let's go to sleep.” Saeyoung grabbed the mouse and exited the game, signing his brother out. “Yoosung is a bad influence on you.”  
  
“And _you_ aren't?” But he let him anyway, watching his brother as he closed all the windows and shut down the computer.  
  
“Sleep now, banter later,” When the screen turned black, Saeyoung pulled his twin from his seat and lead him to bed. Saeran followed, but calculated the time when he'd wake up so he could play some more.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  


  
_Saeran entered the chat._

 **Yoosung  
**                                                                           SAERAN  


**Saeran**  
?                                                                         

  
**Yoosung**  
                                                                         lololol did Saeyoung catch you  
                                                                         last night?

 **Saeran  
** Yes                                                                           
He said you were a bad                                                                           
influence                                                                         

 

  
**ZEN**  
                                                                        LOLOLOLOLOL  
  
**Yoosung**

                                                                        I'm not a bad  
                                                                        influence!!!! T_T

 **ZEN**  
                                                                          LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  
  
**Yoosung**  
                                                                          shut up  
                                                                          He's one to talk, he's ranked 1

  **Saeran  
** What                                                                           

 **Yoosung  
**                                                                           Ya. But I think he just hacked  
                                                                          into the server to get the  
                                                                          spot lolol

 **Saeran  
** That bastard                                                                             


**ZEN  
**                                                                           OMG

_707 has entered the chat.  
_

**707  
**   SAERAN LOVELY SAERAN  
  
**707**  
  my precious little twin  
  
**707**  
  my homie my bro 4 lyf  
  
**707  
**   I didn't hack into the  
  server~ I'm just naturally  
  good at games.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  L I E S  
  
**ZEN**  
  Saeran called you a bastard  
  lololololol  
  
**707  
**   well, he's not wrong lol  
  in fact we're both bastards  
**_Bastards of our father_**  
  amirite lololololol  
  
**ZEN  
**   OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  **Saeran**  
I can't believe you just made    
that joke

  
**Yoosung  
**   Saeyoung wtf  
  
**707  
**   what? It's the truth bruh

  **Saeran  
** Do all your jokes consist of bad    
puns and memes  

 **707  
**   bad? I only serve  
**THE BEST**

 **Saeran  
** I can't believe we're related  

 **  
Yoosung  
**   OMGOMGOMGOMG  
  SAERAN  
  THERE'S A NEW CAMPAIGN IN  
  TEN MINUTES  
  MEET ME  
  ASAP

 **Saeran  
**  Okay  

  
**707**  
  nooooo I just got here  
  dun leaaaaveeee Saeran T A T  
  
**ZEN**  
  dude  
  you live with your bro

 **Saeran  
** We're both in the living room  

  
**707  
**   two  
  words  
  long-distance  
  relationship

 **Saeran  
** I'm **literally** five feet away  

 **Yoosung  
** that's three words  
  
**707  
**   there's a hyphen in there  
  that means it's coined  
  so that counts as ONE WORD  
  english 101 boi  
  
**ZEN**  
  lol savage  
  
**707**  
  it's my legacy  
  
**Yoosung**  
  I HATE YOU  
  
**707  
**   this is why you should have  
  studied first and  
  GAMED LATER  
  
**Yoosung**  
  nobody can stop me  
  let's go Saeran

_Yoosung has left the chat._

_Saeran has left the chat._

**707**  
  NOOOOOOOOO  
  SAERAN COME BAAAACK  
  T ^ T

  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
Autumn came with bright, warm colors – much like Saeran's hair, which now grew longer and in that shocking shade of red, just like his brother's. White, bleached hair clashed horribly with natural red, and for this Sayoung showered him with copious teasing and attempts at dyeing his hair.  
  
“Just let it be,” It is cold in their apartment in the morning, but his brother bought him such thick and silly socks and a stupid sweater with the words 'redheads have more fun' knitted on the front that he did not bother to turn on the heater. “No one's going to see it anyway.”  
  
“ _I_ see it,” Saeyoung complained over his breakfast. “It doesn't look good on you.”  
  
Saeran wanted to say that he doesn't feel like _Saeran_ yet, that his white hair is the defining image of him – he had been a different person for a long, long time. Changing back isn't as easy and quick, like a snap. Wearing red on his head will mean nothing if his heart is still not Saeran's.  
  
“I know,” He says, poking the sausages (a little burnt) with his fork. “But I don't want to dye it. Not yet.”  
  
Saeyoung stared at him for a long moment, before nodding. “Alright.”  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
There was a lot of bargaining involved, a lot of hugging and pleading. Saeran hadn't come out of the apartment in weeks, and when he told his twin he'd wanted to take a short trip to the supermarket to shop for groceries, Saeyoung was obstinate at first.  
  
He had to promise multiple times that he'd be careful, and that he'd come back in an hour. Saeran even let his brother plant a tracking device on his jacket just to appease him.  
  
“If you feel like something's wrong, just come home immediately, alright?” Saeyoung reminded him for the nth time as he walked him to the door. “Call me when you get there.”  
  
“Okay, okay.” A roll of the eyes. Saeran let himself be fussed on for the last time before pulling his face mask up to his nose. “See you.”  
  
“Take care.” Saeyoung smiled a little, but he looked so worried that Saeran had to hug him one last time.  
  
“Oh no~ I might not let you go now.”  
  
Saeran groaned and pulled away. “Good bye, Saeyoung.”  
  
Saeyoung laughed. “Noooo, don't go–”  
  
Saeran walked off and closed the door behind him.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
One train ride away, and here he was.  
  
He hadn't meant to travel so far. There was a supermarket near their apartment, but he thought that it would be unwise to shop there. Saeyoung never shopped there if it wasn't in dire need – only ordered groceries anonymously in some online service and had it shipped to another address so he could pick it up. It amazed him how precautious the process was, but then again, he wasn't complaining.  
  
It started out alright – the sun was shining and warm against his face. He could hear the birds chirping just before he went in the supermarket. One of the crew smiled at him and welcomed him as he took a cart, and a happy, catchy song was playing in the background.  
  
Then, it all went to shit.  
  
He was by the vegetable section when it started – short, quick breaths, and a sense that something is about to go horribly wrong. _If you feel like something's wrong, just come home immediately, alright?_ Saeran struggled to fish out the phone in his pocket, but he was losing the feeling in his fingers so fast that he shook. _No_ , he thought, his hands trembling, _they can't do this. They can't take me away again.  
  
_ The world blurred around the edges. Sweat trickled on the side of his neck, pooled at the hollow of his throat. Losing control of his limbs, Saeran collapsed on his knees to the floor, one hand still on the rack of cabbages, the other, useless on top of his pocket. No, no, no _don't_ –  
  
He was being strangled. He's going to die.  
  
“Saeran?”  
  
Tears made wet patches against his face mask, and those that did not soak through the material made a path to his lips. He could taste nothing.  
  
“Saeran, oh my god.”  
  
There was a hand. Gentle. Fragrant. It brought his mask down gingerly, and cupped his face upwards.  
  
“It's okay. You're safe. No one's going to hurt you.”  
  
But it _hurts._ His throat is dry and tight and the hands around his neck are still there.  
  
“Look at me. It's okay, Saeran. Look at me.”  
  
White. Shining. There is a face, beautiful and worried. Like Saeyoung.  
  
“Just take a deep breath. I'm here. I'll protect you.”  
  
_I'll protect you.  
  
_ “I'll breathe with you, okay? Alright. Now – _in_ – and out... That's it. Just keep breathing.”  
  
When he came around, Saeran realized he managed to knock down a few cabbages from the rack. His panic attack also earned a few onlookers – one of the managers even approached them to offer help but she had been turned away.  
  
“I got it, it's okay. Thank you.” Zen smiled and apologized to the manager, returning the fallen cabbages to their place before kneeling at Saeran's side.  
  
Saeran hadn't met any of his brother's friends before (except for _the woman_ ), but he recognized Zen quite easily. He had a few commercials and that TV drama Saeyoung likes to binge on every Friday night. Added to that, Zen's face is one of the most beautiful he had ever seen, and he'd had to be brainwashed again if he'd ever forget about it after seeing it the first time.  
  
“Hey... You might not recognize me, but I'm Zen.”  
  
“I know,” Saeran hated how scratchy his voice had become. “You send selfies in the messenger ten times a day.  
  
Zen had to laugh. “You sound a lot like Seven.”  
  
Saeran tried to move, pushing himself up. His muscles ached and screamed in exhaustion even if he hadn't done anything.  
  
“Careful,” And just as Zen warned, Saeran's knees gave way as he attempted to stand. Luckily, the other was quick to act, and caught him just in time.  
  
“Take it easy,” came Zen's brotherly scolding. It embarrassed and frustrated Saeran to have someone he just met sound so caring towards him, so he frowned and cursed in mutiple languages, just to distract himself. “Don't go Russian on me now.”  
  
“That was Arabic, Spanish and German,” spat Saeran with unintended venom, but Zen just snorted and muttered something about Saeran really being Saeyoung's twin.  
  
In the end, Saeran really didn't manage to do any grocery shopping. Zen escorted him to one of the seats reserved for the elderly and PWDs, and told him to wait there since he hasn't paid for _his_ groceries yet. Fifteen minutes later, the other returned, one arm occupied with a large brown paper bag.  
  
Saeran wondered why he waited for him in the first place.  
  
“I never asked – is Saeyoung with you?”  
  
Saeran shook his head. Now that he mentioned it, he haven't called his brother yet.  
  
“Oh. Well, I don't think it'd be wise to let you go on your own in here – maybe you should go home, for now. Let Saeyoung take care of the groceries, yeah? Did you grab a taxi on the way here?”  
  
“I took the train,” said Saeran.  
  
“I see.” Zen nodded, thinking for a moment. “Can you handle going home through the subway? There's lots of people as it's a Sunday... I'm worried you might get triggered again.”  
  
Feeling a stab of annoyance, Saeran wore his face mask again so he could frown out of Zen's sight. Who does he think he's talking to? He single-handedly hacked into his own brother's computer and threatened everyone's safety just a few months ago. He didn't deserve to be treated as a child.  
  
Zen took Saeran's silence the wrong way, however, assuming that the other Choi twin was just upset over his recent panic attack. “Oh – you're probably wondering why I'm talking like this – I'm sorry. I know about your panic episodes. Saeyoung told me once that you suffer through them less than before but – it's better to be safe than sorry, right?” A beat. “Hey, if it's okay with you, why don't we go back to my place? Just to ease your nerves. I live in a quiet neighborhood, and there's a vendor who comes by my street every afternoon. He sells fish-shaped buns – you gotta try those.”  
  
In all honesty, Saeran was a bit baffled on what to do, but Zen was smiling so brightly and expectantly that it seemed rude to refuse. So that is why twenty minutes of a motorcycle ride later, Saeran ends up in Zen's tiny apartment.  
  
“What happened to your hair?” Zen asked, squinting at Saeran as he cradled his groceries once more.  
  
“What?” Taking off the helmet lended to him, it took Saeran a moment to realize what was being referred to. “Oh. Nothing. It's just – my hair.”  
  
“It's red and white,” Zen stated the obvious, sounding like this was the most bizzare thing he had ever seen in his life. “Couldn't decide on a color? Or is this an ombre gone wrong?”  
  
Saeran frowned and grabbed the hood of his jacket so he could pull it up. “Just ignore it.”  
  
With a shrug, Zen parked his motorcycle and led Saeran into the house.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  


_707 has entered the chat._

**707  
**   ZEN  
  
**707**  
  ZEN!!!!!!! 

 **707  
****ZENNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
**707**  
**Z E N** **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
****Jaehee Kang**  
  What's the matter, Saeyoung?

 **707  
**   my little brother...  
  he's far away from home...

 **Jumin Han  
**   ? 

 **Jumin Han  
**   Why are you calling Zen if  
  Saeran's the one who's  
  missing?

 **Jaehee Kang  
**   SAERAN IS MISSING?

 **M.C  
**   WHAT  
  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN  
  
**Jaehee Kang  
**   Mr. Han, I think a search team  
  is appropriate at this time.  
  
**M.C  
**   Saeyoung, are you ok?  
  
**Jumin Han  
**   Perhaps that is best. I'll tell my  
  assistant to make preparations.  
  
**707  
**   lololol guys guys homies chill  
  Saeran isn't missing  
  
**Jaehee Kang  
**   Oh thank god!  
  
**M.C  
**   It would have been funny  
  to see a whole search party  
  looking for Saeran and the  
  whole time he was just  
  buying some milk or smth  
  lololololol  
  
**707  
**   LOLOLOLOL  
  
**M.C**  
  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  
  
**707  
**   LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  
  
**Jumin Han**  
  -_-  
  
**Jaehee Kang  
**   If you two are done,  
  Saeyoung, can you please  
  explain what is going on?  
  
**707  
**   my bro's gone out to buy  
  groceries  
  
**M.C**  
  Knew it. **M I L K**  
  
**707**  
  I placed a tracking device  
  on him just to be safe. He  
  went out pretty far, to another  
  city  
  
**Jaehee Kang  
**   That far for some groceries?  
  
**M.C**  
  That far for milk?  
  
**707**  
  lol we're off the radar, so I get  
  why he's making people think  
  we live elsewhere  
  
**707**  
  anyway  
  
**707**  
  so I have him on my gps, and  
  guess where he is rn  
  
**Jumin Han**  
  probably with Zen.  
  
**707  
**   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**707**  
  HOW DID YOU KNOW  
  
**M.C**  
  THIS IS LEGILIMENCY  
  
**707**  
  TEACH ME YOUR WAYS  
  DARK LORD HAN  
  
**Jumin Han**  
  It is simple logic. I just based  
  this off on what you said  
  earlier.  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Saeran is with Zen? How?

  
**707**  
  dunno how it happened, but  
  the GPS is pointing right at  
  Zen's place. All I know is that  
  Saeran's there so  
  
**707**  
  ZEEEEENNNN  
  
**707**  
  LOG IN DAMN YOUUUU  
  or just answer your damned  
  phone jfc stop rejecting me  
  
**707**  
  What have you done to my  
  sweet little bro ;;  
  
**M.C**  
**ACCIO ZEN!**

_ZEN has entered the chat._

**707** _ **  
**   YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
_**M.C** _  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
_  
**707** _  
_yer a wizard, M.C  
  
__**M.C** _ **  
**_I-I'm a what?_  
  
_**707**  
  Oops, I meant  
  A witch. LOL  
**  
M.C  
**   LOLOLOL

 **ZEN**  
What the hell are you two    
talking about???

 **Jaehee Kang**  
  Don't even try to comprehend  
  it, you'll just get a headache.  
  
**707**  
  HYUN RUY WHERE IS MY RBO

 **ZEN**  
typos man  

 **707**  
DON'T CHNAGE THE SUJBECT

 **ZEN**  
Calm down, Saeran's with me    
  
**ZEN**  
And he's    
S A F E     
  
**ZEN**  
[Saeranandfishbuns01.jpg]    
  
**ZEN**  
We're eating fish-shaped buns  

  
**M.C**  
  Ooh, yum!  
  
  
  
  
**M.C**  
  Quality stuff

 **  
**ZEN**  
** Right, right? M.C already had    
one before, so she knows    
they're good.  

 **707**  
Why isn't Saeran logging in?  
****

**ZEN  
** He's eating atm.   **  
  
**ZEN**  
** So for the mean time    
**  
**ZEN**  
** [SaeranandMe01.jpg]    
 [SaeranandMe02.jpg]    
[Saerandrinkingtea.jpg]    
[Saeranbitingfishbelly.jpg]  

 **Jaehee Kang**  
  I'm glad he's alright.  
  
**M.C**  
  He likes the fish belly too, lol  
  
**Jumin Han**  
  This pastry again...

 **ZEN  
** Dude, you're missing out                                                                          
Your croissants have                                                                          
nothing on this  

 **Jumin Han**  
  I don't think comparing this to  
  a croissant is apt.

 **ZEN  
** get out of here with your fancy    
bread superiority

 **Jumin Han**  
  Croissants are hardly fancy.  
  
**M.C**  
  ...please don't start guys

_Saeran has entered the chat._

**707  
****!!!!!!!!!!!S A E R A N!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
                                                                      Saeran  
**   Hey  
  
**707**  
  T_T I'm glad you're safe  
  Why didn't you call me?  
  Why didn't you tell me you  
  were going to Zen's place?  
  
**Saeran**  
  I didn't mean to, I'm sorry  
  I just bumped into Zen in the  
  supermarket

 **ZEN  
** Actually...  

**Saeran  
** **We just bumped into each  
                                                                        other in the supermarket.**

**ZEN  
…                                                                         
  
**ZEN**  
** why are you lying?

 **707  
**   ???  
  
**Saeran**  
  Zen.  
  Stop.

 **ZEN  
** Saeyoung, it is true that I found    
Saeran in the supermarket   **  
  
**ZEN**  
** But I didn't bump into him,   
I found him on the floor in the    
middle of a panic attack  

 **707**  
WHAT?!

_Saeran has left the chat._

_  
  
…  
  
  
  
_ “I told you to keep your mouth shut.”  
  
The half-eaten fish-shaped bun lay forgotten on the table as Saeran moved to stand up, fuming at Zen's betrayal. His brother did not need to know about this – he handles enough shit to begin with. There was no need to add up to it.  
  
“Why would you lie to Saeyoung?” Zen was frowning, putting down his phone now. Notification sounds beeped repeatedly, and after a few seconds, his ringtone began playing, his phone vibrating against the table. “I haven't taken his calls as you said because I thought you wanted some peace and quiet but this – this isn't right.”  
  
The accusation stung, but Saeran was stubborn. “And _you're_ fit to judge what's good and not for me? Just because you know some things about me doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.”  
  
“And _you_ think what's good for you is lying? Pretending that you're okay? Bullshit. You know it.” Zen was still sitting down, but Saeran felt _he_ was the one being looked down upon. “Look, Saeran – we all have our own skeletons in our closets, and that's fine, but hiding them forever isn't going to do nobody any good.”  
  
Anger washed through him quickly, hot and heavy. Saeran felt a great urge to punch Zen on the face – he could do it – and perhaps with the element of surprise he could tackle him down to the floor and bash his head in. _Easy._  
  
“You don't know half of the things I've done,” said Saeran, and under his gaze, Zen's posture stiffened. “I've got worse things hiding in my closet.”  
  
“I don't doubt that,” Zen replied after a moment. “But those things were done by the old Saeran. Those secrets you hid belonged to the old Saeran. You're different now _– new._ You're free.”  
  
Saeran thought about the red on the floor that wasn't there _yet_ , thought about Zen's beautiful face and how it would twitch right after he smashes it against the tiles beneath his feet. For a heartbeat, he almost smelled the blood, felt the slick of it between his fingers.  
  
It did not make him guilty at the slightest when he felt so _alive_ imagining it.  
  
“I wonder,” Saeran sighed, sitting back down – and picking up his fish-shaped bun once more, he resumed eating.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
It is dusk, when he returns.  
  
Saeyoung was quiet throughout the ride, though he fussed when he arrived at Zen's place to fetch him. Saeran allowed it, and did not breathe a word about their conversations in the chatroom. Zen did the same.  
  
The living room is dark and cold when he walks into it, his toes curling slightly against the cool wood. Saeyoung flicked the lights on and headed straight into the kitchen, hands reaching out to the fridge.  
  
Saeran stood there, a step away from their coffee table. Their apartment was small enough to let him see into the kitchen, so watch, he did.  
  
His twin took out a can of Dr. Pepper. It was already opened – Saeran remembered it, remembered that he intended to throw it out because it'll taste like shit anyway without the fizz, but Saeyoung will probably still drink it even if it's gross. _Silly._ Silly thing, silly thought.  
  
“I did a lot of bad things.” And now, he thinks of other things. Worse things than an opened can of soft drink in the fridge.  
  
Saeyoung stopped midway from drinking. He swallowed, licked his lips, and looked at him. “I know.”  
  
“No, you don't.” Saeran said. _You're different now – new._ “You saved me, but I was never free.”  
  
“I know,” Saeyoung placed the can of Dr. Pepper down on the counter. He looked defeated. “I know. I wish I could have taken care of that part, too.”  
  
“ _I_ wish I just died.” Saeran sighed, and felt tired beyond belief. It wouldn't have surprised him if he just drifted off from where he stood. “Living is so hard.”  
  
Saeyoung looked away and breathed deeply, turning his back from Saeran. He stayed like that for a while – just breathing deeply, in and out, until he couldn't anymore. Until he sobbed.  
  
Saeran just watched him.  
  
“I'm sorry I – I was _too late,_ ” Saeyoung hiccuped and gasped, shoulders jumping with every breath.  
  
“No – it's not your fault,” The twin said softly, “I was just too weak.”  
  
  
  
…  
  
  


_ZEN has entered the chat._

**ZEN**  
  I know you're here, Saeran.  
  
**ZEN**  
  You probably hate me rn  
  
**ZEN**  
  but I just want to say  
  
**ZEN**  
  I've been thinking about what  
  happened today.  
  
**ZEN**  
  And I'm sorry that I couldn't   
  help.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Sorry I couldn't do anything    
  that matters.  
  
**ZEN**  
  I know you're suffering.  
  
**ZEN**  
  And we don't talk about it  
  openly here  
  
**ZEN**  
  not even Saeyoung  
  
**ZEN**  
  but it's the truth.  
  
**ZEN**  
  I just want you to know that    
  it's okay to show the other side  
  of you  
  
**ZEN**  
  No matter how ugly  
  
**ZEN**  
  or weak,  
  
**ZEN**  
  or terrible it is.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Because it's a part of who you  
  are, and it will be a part of you  
  forever  
  
**ZEN**  
  And just forgetting about it  
  like I had implied  
  
**ZEN**  
  is wrong.  
  
**ZEN**  
  This is what I think.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Saeran,  
  
**ZEN**  
  I accept the you who did bad  
  things,  
  
**ZEN**  
  And I accept the person who  
  you'll become one day.  
  
**ZEN**  
  I look forward to meeting the  
  Saeran who smiles and laughs  
  
**ZEN**  
  and is happy.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Please remember you can  
  always come to me if you want  
  to talk  
  
**ZEN**  
  or feel like things get too much  
  
**ZEN**  
  or if you just want to escape.  
  
**ZEN**  
  I'll do what I can for you.  
  
**ZEN**  
  That's all.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Take care, little brother.  
  Good night.

_ZEN has left the chat._

**Saeran**  
Thank you for the food earlier.   
And for the tea.  

_Saeran has left the chat._

_  
_

_  
…  
  
  
_ Christmas was stark and white, unlike Saeran's hair.  
  
“I did a lot of bad things.” He said over their dinner – a bowl of runny but very creamy mashed potatoes, some greasy corn and carrots, and a whole turkey burned on the outside and a little under-cooked on the inside. “You saved me, but I was never free.”  
  
“I know,” said Saeyoung, reaching out to card through hair red as fire.  
  
Saeran closed his eyes at the warmth of his brother's fingers. _The sun_ , he thought, _my sun_. “I have to save myself.”  
  
He never looked so much like his twin like he did now.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  


_707 has entered the chat._

**707  
** Look    
  
**707  
** at    
  
**707**  
my    
  
**707**  
brother~    
  
**707**  
[SaeranandSaeyoung.jpg]    
  
**707**  
So cute right, right?  <3 <3 <3   _  
_

**Yoosung  
                                                                        !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **  
  
                                                                      Yoosung  
**                                                                         **SAERAN DYED HIS HAIR?!?! **  
  
**ZEN**  
                                                                        ** OMG  
  My little brother looks just like  
  Saeyoung

**707  
HYUN RYU                                                                         
GET YOUR OWN LITTLE BRO                                                                       **

**Jumin Han**  
  Naturally, since they are  
**twins  
  
                                                                      ZEN**  
  You know Jumin, I'm not  
  above punching you even if  
  it's Christmas today  
  
**Yoosung**  
  omg lolololol

  
**707**  
Have some shame man it's the    
Big Man's birthday today that    
means no sins for 24 hours  

 **ZEN**  
  I'M NOT CHRISTIAN  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Saeyoung, that joke is  
**d i s t a s t e f u l**

 **  
**707****  
Why am I the only one getting    
scolded? UNFAIR.  

 **M.C  
**   Looking at that pic, I think it's  
  going to be hard to tell you  
  guys apart from now on. **  
  
**Jumin Han**  
                                                                       I disagree.**

 **707  
** M.C, I'm naturally    
more handsome of course~

 **M.C  
                                                                       ** LOL **  
  
**Jumin Han**  
                                                                       …  
  
**Jumin Han**  
                                                                       ** That's not what I was thinking. **  
  
**Jumin Han**  
                                                                       ** Saeyoung is **obnoxious** , but  
  Saeran is not. **  
  
**M.C**  
                                                                      ** LOLOLOLOLOL **  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
                                                                       ** Mr. Han.... **  
  
**Yoosung**  
                                                                       ** ouch lololololol **  
  
**ZEN**  
                                                                       ** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH

 **707**  
OH THANKS A LOT    
YOU'RE ALL SUCH    
GOOD FRIENDS

_Saeran entered the chat._

**Saeran  
**   Hello everyone.  
  Merry Christmas.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  Hi Saeran!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**ZEN**  
  Hey lil bro! Happy Holidays!  
  
**Jumin Han**  
  Merry Christmas, Saeran.  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Merry Christmas!  
  
**M.C**  
  Saeran, I like your new hair!  
  
**Saeran**  
  Thank you.

 **707**  
Bro save me, I'm getting bullied    
by these assholes T . T  

 **Saeran**  
  I'd like to, but Jumin is sadly  
  telling the truth.  
  
**Jumin Han**  
  _Naturally._  
  
**M.C**  
**OHHHHHH F A T A L I T Y**  
  
**ZEN**  
  yeeee that's my boi

 **707**  
I HATE YOU ALL  
</3 **  
  
  
  
**

  
...  
  
  
  
There are many allusions to love, but Saeran finds it describable by one word – ordinary.  
  
Common – like cream and coffee, cakes and tea. In the morning, love is a slightly burned breakfast and a greeting. Love is a beep, with words and questions of _have you eaten yet?_ and reminders of _don't miss your meals!_ At high noon love is a call, a text, an emoticon sent along with a joke. Love is an invitation. Love is consent. At the end of the day, love is a gathering at a small coffee shop with the sign turned to _closed_ , and dinner inside it with people you call _friends_.  
  
Love is common, love is plain. Everybody experiences it, takes it, gives it. Ordinary.  
  
But for something so ordinary, love is _so_ cruel.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
To Saeran, she will always be _the_ woman. When Saeyoung talks and mentions _her_ , Saeran does not need to ask _who_ – he does not need the name to understand. There is no other person, no other girl his twin brother ever talks about in _that_ way – like she made the universe with a snap of her fingers. Like she made his world turn – a great burning star drawing him in to orbit. Saeyoung could never escape her gravity.  
  
And it is without trying – that's the thing about love, isn't it, it is inescapable, like a trap. The mere sight of her makes Saeyoung happier, brighter, and altogether better. There are no rainy days when she smiles, and whenever they touch – _oh_ , if one could burn, Saeyoung would already have turned into ashes, and gladly, for that one fleeting moment of contact.  
  
“She does not love you,” Saeran says, direct and brutal, on their way home from dinner.  
  
Saeyoung's fingers twitched at the statement, but his hands did not pull away from the steering wheel. “There are some things worth suffering for.”  
  
Saeran paused, considering if he should lie and agree.  
  
Because the truth is: the woman belongs to no one and everyone, just like the sun with it's planets revolving around it.  
  
Yoosung rotates around her closer than the others. She is the sister he never had, the crush that could make him blush like a maid whenever she turns teasing. To Yoosung, the woman is the best example a human being could be – will ever be. No one could ever compare.  
  
Zen is drawn to her exactly like a lover – and when he is around her, he is protective – possessive – to the subtlest degree. When he calls to her, it is with endearments, and when possible, he keeps her close. An arm on her shoulder, a hand on her waist. The woman does not mind the intimacy, and plays along with her lovely Hyun's flirtatious tendencies. Saeran wonders if she knows all of it just makes Zen melt and fall harder.  
  
In retrospect, Jumin seems like a long streak of pure, untarnished asexuality and a complete aromantic – but in the months of Saeran's observation, he is proven wrong. Jumin always gets what he wants, and keeps them out of reach of others, but the woman never belonged to him, perhaps never will. It is frustrating and maddening and it makes him competitive and silly and unreasonable at times, but Jumin does not say anything, does not confess, like the rest of them. He is cool and collected even if underneath, he is burning.  
  
“You are a masochist,” he said after a long while, looking out of the car window.  
  
Saeyoung only laughed, sad and bitter.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  


**Jaehee Kang**  
  M.C, are you here?  
  
**M.C**  
  Yes~ Good morning Jaehee!  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  ^^ Good morning  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  I was wondering if you could  
  join me in the cafe later.  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Since it is Valentines Day  
  today  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  The cafe will be **swamped**.  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  I'm sorry that I have to ask you,  
  but Sion won't be able to  
  come to work today...  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  because he's got a date with  
  his girlfriend. 

_Yoosung has entered the chat._

**Yoosung**  
  Good morning Jaehee!  
  Morning M.C~  
  
**M.C**  
  Good morning Yoosung!  
  You're up early!  
  
**Yoosung  
**   Yes! I have classes, sadly. T _ T  
  
**Yoosung  
**   Oh, M.C, you're going to work  
  at the cafe today?  
  
**Yoosung**  
  You don't have a date?  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Oh, no... I'm so sorry!  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  I completely forgot to ask you  
  if you had plans...  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  M.C, I'm sorry.  
  
**M.C**  
  It's okay, don't worry!

_Zen has entered the chat._

**ZEN  
**   A girl like M.C, for sure...  
  She's got a date.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  ;; I'm jealous of that guy,  
  whoever he is  
  
**M.C**  
  What makes you think my date  
  would be a guy?  
  
**Jaehee Kang  
**   Good morning, Zen.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Good morning Jaehee~  
  
**Yoosung**  
  What? So you really do have a  
  date? T . T  
  
**M.C**  
  ...No... I don't have one.  
  
**ZEN**  
  WHAT.  
  
**ZEN**  
  You're kidding me, right?  
  
**M.C**  
  Nope.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  Jaehee, you don't have a date  
  for Valentines either, do you?  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  No. I'm too busy running the  
  cafe to do such trivial things.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  I can imagine your  
  glasses glinting right now.  
  
**ZEN**  
  M.C, wanna go out on a date  
  with me?  
  
**Yoosung**  
  DUDE WHAT THE HELL  
  
**ZEN**  
  What?  
  
**Yoosung**  
  You can't just ask her like that!  
  
**M.C**  
  Um actually

_Saeran has entered the chat._

**ZEN**  
  Why not? M.C and I'll make a  
  cute pair~  
  
**ZEN**  
  Right, babe?  
  
**M.C**  
  Actually, I was thinking of  
  helping Jaehee in the cafe  
  today.  
  
**M.C**  
  Sorry, lovely Hyun.  
  
**ZEN**  
  It's okay~ We can always go out  
  next time.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  M.C, don't ever go out  
  with Zen.  
  
**ZEN**  
  Hey!  
  
**ZEN**  
  Oh shit. I've got a text from my  
  producer. brb

_ZEN has left the chat.  
707 has entered the chat._

**M.C**  
  Jaehee, are you still doing that  
  promo for couples today?  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Yes. The cakes just arrived this  
  morning.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  Oooh, is that the famous  
  unlimited cake and coffee  
  you guys were talking about  
  last week?  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Yes! It was so popular last  
  time, so I thought it would be  
  tactically correct to introduce  
  it again.  
  
**Yoosung**  
  lololol you sound like Jumin.  
  
**707**  
  Jaehee, can we go to your  
  cafe later?  
  
**Yoosung**  
  WHAT  
  
**Yoosung**  
  DON'T TELL ME _YOU_ HAVE A  
  DATE  
  
**707**  
  why all the caps bro? Are you  
  doubting my charm? My  
  hacking skills brings all the  
  ladies and boys etc. to the yard  
  
**Yoosung**  
  SO YOU HAVE A DATE?!  
  I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS  
  
**707**  
  why are you so hyped about  
  having dates? If you're  
  jealous, just go and ask  
  someone out.  
  
**M.C**  
  Saeyoung, who are you  
  bringing to the cafe?  
  
**707**  
  Ohohohoh, M.C, I'm glad you  
  asked.  
  
**707**  
  It's  
  
**707**  
  drum roll please  
  
**707**  
  badabambambambambam  
  
**M.C**  
  bababbababababababababam  
  
**707**  
  bambambambambambam  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  STOP  
  
**707**  
  lol okay okay  
  
**707**  
  It's Elly~  
  
**M.C**  
  Did you hack into Jumin's    
  security system again? Lolol  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  If you bring that cat, not  
  only will I escort you out of   
  my cafe, but Mr. Han himself  
  will also come.  
  
**707**  
  But Elly is not just a cat!  
  
**Jaehee Kang**  
  Pets aren't allowed into the  
  cafe. Especially cats.  
  
**707**  
   </3 this is discrimination!  
  
**707**  
  Well, fine then. I just have to  
  find a human date.  
  
**707**  
  Saeran will be my date~  
  
**Yoosung**  
  Saeyoung, that's **illegal**.  
  And Saeran is a guy.

 **Saeran**  
Why are you dragging me    
into this  

 **M.C**  
  There's nothing wrong about  
  a guy dating another guy.  
  
**707**  
  Correctamundo!  
  
**707**  
  Yoosung. My boi. You are  
  limited by your  
  heteronormative ideals.  
  
**707**  
  I appreciate  
  all kinds of people~  
  
**M.C**  
  Dates aren't exclusively  
  romantic.  
  
**707**  
  True~

 **Saeran**  
I don't want to go out on a date

 **Yoosung**  
  M.C has the same views as  
  Saeyoung, doesn't she....  
  
**M.C**  
  Yes~ we're pan-pals yo  
  
**707  
**   LOLOLOLOLOLOL NICE  
  
**M.C**  
  LOLOLOLOLOLOL get it,  
  Yoosung? _Pan_ -pals  
  
**Yoosung**  
  I don't get the **two of you**  
  
**707**  
  we're soulmates 5ever~  
  M.C, how about a polyamory  
  between me and Saeran?  
  
**Yoosung**  
  ….Is that another term for a  
  threesome  
  
**Yoosung**  
  because if it is HOW DARE U  
  
**M.C**  
  lolololol don't worry, it's not  
  
**707**  
  boi get your mind out of the  
  gutter  
  
**M.C**  
  Yoosung, you're so cute~  
  
**Yoosung**  
  I'm so confused?  
  
**707**  
  look it up in the internet, my  
  sweet summer child  
  
**707**  
  See you later, Jaehee, me and  
  Saeran will definitely come!

 **Saeran**  
I'm not consenting to this  

 **707**  
  Aww, you're being tsundere  
  again.  
  
**707**  
  See you M.C!  
  
**M.C**  
  Bye Saeyoung!  <3  
  
**707**  
   <3

 

_707 has left the chat.  
Saeran has left the chat.  
_

_  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
_ Saeran knows the ploy – he allows it, because Saeyoung is hopeless, and dissuading him will only result in wasted breath. He lets him drag him to the car, drive him to that cozy little cafe just to see her – and even when the sky is gloomy and overcast Saeyoung looks like someone who just had the first taste of summer.  
  
They stayed there for almost the entire day – and throughout their time Saeyoung watched her and talked to her and barely paid attention to anything else. The cake on his plate went uneaten save for a little scooped part to taste it, and beside it his tea is stale and cold where Saeran's cup is already on the third refill. The woman does not notice it – not the clamoring for attention, not the stares of utmost longing and affection – she is blind, curse her, she is ignorant. When dusk approached Saeran felt an anger so hot burning in his chest because of it – because of _her_. It is unreasonable at the highest degree, but for some reason Saeran could not help it.  
  
There came a point where it all became too much for him – he was thinking of telling Saeyoung that they should go home, that this was _enough_ – but then, he saw it.  
  
Just by chance – just a split-second decision of turning his head, and there it was – plain as day and stark as night, but gone so fast that Saeran doubted for a moment if he even saw it.  
  
The same gaze of longing – a hunger for ungiven love. The woman had expressive eyes, lovely and brown, and when she glanced at Jaehee – just for a moment – Saeran _knew.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
_  
  
The night is alive with raindrops and the sound of thunder rattling the windows. The storm has finally come.  
  
In the dark, Saeran's nightmares came alive with startling clarity that he could not discern between reality and dreams – until Saeyoung kicked the door open while he thrashed around his bed, screaming.  
  
“Saeran,” A flick, and lamplight flooded the room. “Saeran, it's okay – it's over. We're safe. You're safe.”  
  
He was hot and cold at the same time, cheeks smeared with shed tears and eyes wild with panic – but the moment he heard Saeyoung's voice, he understood. There was nothing to fear. The worst had passed.  
  
“...Safe,” Saeran did not even realize he was panting, sitting up and about to get out of bed. He could hear his heart pounding hard and fast in his ears as Saeyoung sat beside him. “I... I'm sorry.”  
  
“It's okay now,” Saeyoung said, his voice almost drowned out by the rain, “It's okay.”  
  
He allowed himself to be embraced. The tears that came stung him – salty and plenty they were, and when they rolled down his cheeks, they bled into Saeyoung's old shirt.  
  
It was so ordinary, this new life of his. He ate regularly, watched TV, and had friends. But Saeran wondered if all of that could ever be _enough_ to truly make him ordinary, because even with a new life, the past still haunted him.  
  
“I'll protect you,” Saeyoung murmured, only for his twin's ears. “And never leave you. Never again. I'll be here – you and me, like always. I swear it, I _swear_ it. I love you, Saeran – forever.”  
  
The bed has gone cold when they fell back to it, but not for long. Saeyoung kept his brother close – close enough to feel Saeran's hiccups hitting his face in short puffs of warmth, and for Saeran, the sugary smell of Dr. Pepper from Saeyoung's breath. He would have scolded his twin for it, but tears still slid on the corners of Saeran's eyes – he could not help it. He allowed himself to be weak, for now.  
  
“Shhh, don't cry,” Saeyoung moved to wipe the wetness away, his fingers gentle against Saeran's skin. “It's okay now.” A kiss on the forehead. A kiss on the tip of his nose. “Go back to sleep.”  
  
Saeran closed his eyes. Love is common, love is plain. Everybody experiences it, takes it, gives it. On the first day of his new life, he had experienced it and took it –but now, he thinks, it is time to give it.  
  
If love was a part of an ordinary life, perhaps loving Saeyoung would be a good start.

 


End file.
